In a move that has shocked exactly no one and confused everyone else, New York Governor Kathy Hochul announced her boldest initiative yet: the Homeless Persons Congestion Pricing Program. Effective immediately, any sidewalk, subway grate, or public bench south of 60th Street will require the city’s homeless population to pay a variable “congestion fee” to loiter, sleep, defecate, or urinate on the sidewalks, or simply exist in these in-demand locations. “We’re tackling two problems at once,” Hochul declared at a press conference outside a Midtown Starbucks. “Traffic and transient density. It’s a win-win for New York—unless you’re poor, of course.”
Officials say the plan is modeled after Hochul’s previous congestion pricing scheme for car traffic, which has already enraged cabbies, bankrupted Uber drivers, and sent New Jerseyans into fits of righteous fury. “If cars have to pay to come into Manhattan, why shouldn’t everyone?” reasoned one city planner, glancing nervously at a nearby pile of suitcases that may or may not have been someone’s home. “We’re all about equity—at least when it comes to charging people for standing still.”
Critics argue that homelessness in NYC has reached crisis proportions, with more than 70,000 people lacking stable housing and the city’s shelters operating at bursting point. “It’s a humanitarian disaster,” sighed one advocate, “but at least now it’ll be a profitable disaster.” Since the new program’s rollout, rumors have spread that CitiBike is considering launching a special ‘Homeless Bike Share’ with surge pricing during rush hour, though a company spokesman would only say, “We’re always looking at new markets.”
The governor, whose policy ideas often read like a Risible article on steroids, insists that the program is “progressive,” “groundbreaking,” and “absolutely not a parody, despite what you may have read on Twitter.” When asked if she worried about criticism from the left, Hochul scoffed, “I am the left. I make AOC look like Ronald Reagan.” Her staff then quickly ushered her away before she could announce her rumored proposal for a “Luxury Air Surcharge” on anyone breathing within a block of Central Park.
Reactions from the city’s liberal establishment were mixed. Some praised Hochul for her “brave” willingness to monetize human suffering in the name of urban efficiency. Others quietly wondered if she’d finally gone too far. “We support bold policy,” said one council member, “but this is less ‘bold’ and more ‘medically concerning.’ Someone should check if she’s gotten enough sleep. Or perhaps too much.”
