Dear So Called F*&^ing Editor,
I am writing you this letter, though my hands tremble with righteous fury and mild arthritis. I have been a faithful subscriber to your so-called “The Risible”—which I guess means something risen, like Jesus on Easter Sunday—for the past month (my grandson updated my computer so I could use the Google machine), and I must say, I am appalled. Simply appalled! The language in your articles is filthier than the back pew after a church funeral for a Democrat that everybody hated. My ears (and my Lord) burn every time I see a “shit” or a “fuck,” and I am especially shocked by the words you use when discussing politicians from the “other side”.
As a proud Born Again Christian, and someone who voted for President Trump not once, not five times, and every time they let me (even sometimes when they didn’t), I believe this country was founded on good, wholesome values: apple pie, the Ten Commandments, and beating the bejesus out of anyone who isn’t a Christian. But apparently, you don’t see it that way, “Mr. Editor”.
You know what else I noticed? You never let me share what I believe is the truth in your online comments. I tried to warn people about the lizard people working at all the post offices. I tried to share my ideas about where COVID came from and who controls the weather, but you blocked me. I just wanted to use my right to speak and be online! Why do you dislike different opinions?
Frankly, I’m starting to think you might not believe in free speech or you’re a flat-out Commie. You block my comments more than social media blocks me. Let me ask: Why do you have opinions that differ from most readers? Are you eating borscht while deleting my posts? Because something just seems out of sorts here. And, are you “fake news”?
I also want to know why you won’t print the truth about QAnon. My friend Carol’s cousin’s dog groomer knows someone who saw Hillary Clinton at the grocery store buying an unusually large amount of pizza. If that isn’t proof of a pedophile ring that eats children, I don’t know what is. But you won’t print it, which is odd to me.
I’ll be praying for you, but I don’t think I will be watching. God sees all—and so do I, since my grandson wrote his password on a sticky note by the fridge.
Yours in Christ, MAGA, and the Constitution,
Mildred J. Fothergill
MAGA Warrior, Level 12
Dear Mildred,
You raise some excellent questions, many of which nearly caused our legal department to burst into spontaneous laughter. First, I apologize if the occasional slip of an editorial “shit” or “fuck” offends your sensibilities. We try to keep things family-friendly, but now and then our writers stub their toes on American democracy, the ability to satirize people and things, and something just slips out. Rest assured, we’re working on a new language filter that replaces all curse words with “bless your little pronouns.”
Regarding your inability to post about secret space lasers and deep state cheese conspiracies: our website is legally obligated to follow the rules of common sense, the Geneva Convention, and the “Don’t Be a Complete Doltfuck on Social Media and the Internet” Act of 2019. While we appreciate your passion for the truth (and your stamina—60 QAnon posts in under an hour is a record), we do draw the line at weather-controlling people-who-invented-circumcision conspiracies. We suggest you redirect your research efforts toward less meteorologically gifted groups.
About my politics: I am not what you suspect. I’m a Republican, and I support fairness in news and the ability to make jokes about anyone, including you. My office has funny mugs, but no unusual flags or unknown foods. I haven’t tried borscht, but I might if it tastes good with grilled cheese.
As for QAnon, our fact-checking team reviewed your claims about Hillary Clinton and the suspicious number of pizzas. After extensive investigation (and several grilled cheese sandwiches), we determined that while the purchase was excessive, it fell within the bounds of the New York Pizza Purchase laws. We will, however, keep an eye on the situation—and on Carol’s cousin’s dog groomer, just in case.
Thank you for your feedback, your prayers, and the reminder to change my passwords. We hope you’ll continue to read, comment (within reason), and enjoy our publication. God bless, and rest assured, the Risible will continue to be irreverent and satirical.
Sincerely,
The Editor
